you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
