We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
