how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
