I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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