Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
