what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
