At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
