I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
