I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
