i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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