You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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