I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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