I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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