i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
