the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine