Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
