The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.