Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
