So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
