Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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