If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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