His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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