Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You ate ashes out of my bong
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
