I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
