I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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