I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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