Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
