I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
