why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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