all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
