Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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