I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
