i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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