Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
