i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
