and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
