I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
