i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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