I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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