i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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