Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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