Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
