My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
