You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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