I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
