If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
