I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
