My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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