apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
