Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
