There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
