She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
