I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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