Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
