there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
