You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
