Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
