i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
