Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
