we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
