I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
